Say hello to heaven

I don't think of the lost 2 babies much anymore.  Most people don't think of them as a bonifide death at all.  They weren't born; they died within my womb.  Once in a while though, I think of what could have happened, what would they be like, who would they have become.  Ahhhhh, miscarriages are a dime a dozen.  My tears are totally dry now. 

But every once in a while I remember that experience and it knocked me off my feet.  I was completely blindsided by a "blighted ovum" diagnosis, and alone in the exam room.  At nearly 40, I thought it was my only chance at pregnancy...I cried big cries.  I had to have surgery to remove the................leftover baby.  My body bled for months and my hormones were wicked.  I would cry all the time in the car.   Any song would set me off.  Life was dark.

Then I had a boy!  He is beautiful and funny.  He is complicated and kerfluffering.  I made that word up.  He is my son.  Life is good.

Got pregnant right away after having the boy.  Lost that one too.  My body was clearly not ready for a pregnancy so soon after childbirth, but we were eager, happy, and recognizing my advanced age, ready for a sibling for our boy. 

Not to be.  Yet this time I felt relieved physically.  I could not handle any more at that time.  Hubby was devastated this time.  I told him not to, but he set up a bedroom for the new baby.  God damnit.  A loss again, and it was never to happen again.

I am grateful to have this complicated, beautiful little boy. 

But once in a great while, I think of the 2 little ones  that lay in the midst.  We really wanted a sibling for our little man.  But hey, some people cannot have children at all.  We looked into adoption and couldn't afford it.  Can you imagine?  Human lives cost a lot.

And so, you suspend the little ones again.  Put them away in a little box and close the lid.  Move on.  And wonder.  Yea, in my quiet moments, I wonder about them.




                                                             New like a baby
                                                              An' lost like a prayer
                                                                The sky was your playground
                                                                   But the cold ground was your bed



                                                             Say hello to heaven
                                                              heaven, heaven
                                                               Say hello to heaven
                                                               heaven, heaven................